NOT.

Ok, whoa, calm down. Ok, read this BEFORE you blow up and go all chimpancrazy on my comments page. Let me start by saying something really important:

I love bananas.

Bananas are delicious. They’re great on their own, they’re fabulous in a buttery loaf/sweet bread and DONNA get me started on what sort of tastesation they are in a berry or mango smoothie. (Seriously Donna). It’s undisputed, in this particular forum and in this particular blog post, that bananas are the shiznay. But that is not what I am getting at here.

What I am getting at is:

Bananas are dangerous.

Bananas are little steaming sulphurised time bombs. Bananas are potent. Bananas just need to sit NEXT to something in your fruit bowl to eff up its shiz. A mandarin that’s in primo ripe-town? Mouldy. An $7.00 apricot imported from Venezuela with magical love-doctor properties? Squishy and flavourless.

Bananas will take one look at anything surrounding them and will decide that they need to assert their primacy, big-time. Bananas do the equivalent of pissing on your carpet and rubbing their poo into its woolly fronds, but banana-style. They either make all your fruit go off, or they make EVERYTHING YOU OWN smell like bananas.

You know when you’d pack a school lunch and you’d be like “mm, peanut butter and banana crackers” and “mm vegemite and banana sandwich” before you realised THIS WAS NOT AN INTENTIONAL FLAVOUR CHOICE, that your banana had just snuck its way into your lunch and pooped its pungent nutty flavour sacs everywhere, and suddenly your whole life is just bananarama and YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR IT TO BE LIKE THIS.

So, here’s my advice:

• NEVER put bananas in a brown paper bag.
• ESPECIALLY never put them in a brown paper bag with ANYTHING ELSE unless you want that everything else to be held hostage by banana.
• Keep bananas in a separate area of the house, one that’s dark and lonely, like our house’s Scary Room.
• Otherwise go on with your day, cos if that’s your biggest problem, you’re doing pretty good, mate.