NOT.

I’ve been wanting to write about this one for ages. For at least 28 days. Waiting for the right time. OF THE MONTH. Yep. It’s period-time, and I knew it needed a proper treatment on Would Jess Like It so I forced the right time of the month on myself; I hung around all the most dominant females that I know, and finally, the blissful and contemplative time that is The Red Tent came to be. So let’s talk menstruation.

Let’s talk more specifically: Libra. Libra is a multinational feminine hygiene products company, named after all womens’ emotional weaknesses: astrological signs. And because no one wants to ram a ‘Cancer’ rod up their c-bomb, they settled on the name Libra. Ah, Libra. Wikipedia tells me it’s considered a masculine sign, and what better way to lead into the discussion.

Libra, I vouch (and will proclaim from the trees without any backing except for my own sense of spurned fury) is managed by a panel of rich men who have never had unfertilised ovum come out through their vagina, not once. They have never felt the unique pang of ovulation. They have never had to spend an extra $10 per month plus extra for GST for the privilege to cram something up their hooha. THEY JUST NEVER HAVE AND THEY NEVER WILL, UNLESS THEY HAVE RUGBY-RELATED NOSEBLEEDS.

But this is so not the focus of today’s post. The focus is the ridiculous Fun Facts that grace the back of Libra products, little scraps of cheap tracing paper, a bit like the wrappers of Minties, that tell you bits of trivia about the world. For example, in this month’s course of bleeding and moaning, you might have found out that:

  • Clams have a row of eyes around their shells.
  • A mysophobic person has an intense fear of infection.
  • The cheetah is the only cat that can’t retract its claws.
  • If the stomach did not store food, people would have to eat every 20 minutes.

The first thing I have to say to all of this is: THEN CALL ME MYSOPHOBIC BECAUSE I AM PROUD OF THAT SHIT.

The second thing I have to say is: bitch, please. Libra, please. I am angered, and do not like, your attempts to make something that is at BEST a confirmation of not being pregnant and at worse an expensive and unpleasant ordeal, into something fun. I would suggest that you replace your Fun Facts with something practical like caricatures of all the politicians who voted for a GST on feminine products, or maybe just pithy one-liners from 90s sitcoms.

Solved.